Double Dragon wastes no time in setting up the tragedy, with Marian being captured by an evil gang, and the two brothers that love her heading off to...

two brothers... who love... her...

Uh oh. You can see where this one is headed.

Upon defeating the last boss and finally reaching her, there is one last battle to be had. Brother versus brother. A fight to the death. Geez. Why can’t they have solved this like civilized adults and agreed to share?

Oh gosh, where do I even start with this one? We all know that Bowser loves Peach. I guess that isn’t too weird. But somehow they made a baby together? A woman and a large, spiked turtle thingy? How does that even work? Even assuming that it would work, imagine a woman trying to give birth to a spiked turtle. Or would it be a turtle egg?

Gross.

Ok fine, most likely Nintendo was not trying to suggest that Peach had sex with Bowser, carried his child, birthed it, and then forgot all about it. But what were they trying to say with this one?

This is a very new game, so I will try not to spoil too much here. There was once a hillbilly, who fell in love with a girl. He worked long and hard to win her the perfect prize at a carnival. Unfortunately, another suitor stepped up and won the girl first.

The hillbilly was not happy. He did some... very not nice things. And by that I mean he murdered a bunch of people with fire.

From the first moment that I laid my eyes upon Iggy after he arrived in my town, I knew that we would be special friends. Sure, he had a surly attitude every time that I spoke to him, but that was just him playing hard to get. I brought him gifts. Sometimes he was happy to receive them. Other times he was not. Ah... the capricious nature of true friendship.

I also sent him letters every day, pouring out my feelings to him in pages and pages of heartfelt prose. I wanted him in my life. I needed him in my life. Nothing would come between us.

And then he left me. Never a goodbye, he simply disappeared from my life. I was crushed.

The end.






...


What?

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time had a pretty interesting approach to storytelling. Instead of having a ton of cutscenes, the story mostly unfolded in real time, as you played the game. And a large part of that story was the blossoming love between the Prince and a princess named Farah. Of course there were some early missteps, but in time they grew to understand and truly cherish each other.

And then they lived happily ever after.

Just kidding. In order to stop the evil Vizier, the Prince was ultimately forced to rewind time. It’s made as if his entire relationship with Farah never happened. Because it hasn’t. You know, because of the whole time thing?

Ah well. At least they can give it another shot, right?

Lufia and the Fortress of Doom is one of the most emotional games that I have ever played, and it doesn’t take long to blast you with a tear-jerking moment. I’m not going to spoiler tag any of this, because it all happens within the first 20 minutes of the game.

Maxim and Selan are a married couple, and one half of the team of four heroes that must stop the evil Sinistrals. In this they are successful. However, the fortress begins to break up and fall out of the sky. Selan has been injured during the final battle and cannot go on. She begins to speak of her wish to stand with Maxim again on their land, and hold her child...

Maxim stays with her, while the other two escape. Maxim and Selan die together, leaving their child parentless.

Yes, Lufia and the Fortress of Doom is the first video game that made me cry.

Peach again?! She has the worst luck in men.

They say that love and obsession are not so far apart, and Francis had both of them in spades. To say that he had a thing for “hot babes” would be an understatement, and Peach was most certainly a hot babe.

But much like most of us who play video games, he had no real life experience with women, and once she was actually in his room, he had no idea what to do about it. So of course he convinced her to have an online conversation with him, because speaking face to face with a girl who was in the same room with him was simply out of the question. I’m sure we have all been there before.

Yes, I’m openly promoting false stereotypes about gamers just for some half-baked attempt at comedy. Deal with it.

No More Heroes is a story about a nerdy American guy so madly in love with a sultry French woman that he wins a lightsaber in an Internet auction and kills a bunch of people just to be with her. Did I say love? I meant lust. Mostly he just wants to have sex with her.

He then finds out that she is not only actively conning him, but she is actually his twin brother’s wife. He still wants to have sex with her anyway, but that doesn’t happen. Let’s all feel sorry for him.

Donkey Kong was one of the original video game love stories. I guess. Did Donkey Kong love Pauline? Or did he just desire to possess her? Is there really a difference? Yes, there is.

How exactly did that end? We don’t know for certain, but the Donkey Kong Jr. starts with Donkey Kong trapped inside of a cage.

A cage. Isn’t that really the best metaphor for love, after all? No, it isn’t.

Professor Hershel Layton is generally an upbeat and dapper man, but he does hold some sadness inside of him. In the third game of the series, you learn why. You see, he used to be in love with a woman named Claire. Where is Claire now? Sigh. She has gone away.

What makes this even more tragic is that, due to the whole time travel thing, they are reunited for a bit years after they were separated. But only for a bit. Because Claire knows that her even being there creates a time travel paradox, and the only way to resolve it is to go back in time and die, as she was supposed to. So they have one last, heartfelt meeting, and then she must return to die.

Damn.

If you need me I’ll be over here by my box of Kleenex....