Itís Valentineís Day, so that means that itís time to talk about love. Unfortunately, love is not always as simple as it seems like it should be. In fact, the greatest love can often lead to the greatest tragedy. So letís take a moment to reflect upon some Nintendo love stories that did not have the happiest of endings.
I suppose that I should warn you right now, this list will contain a lot of spoilers. I tried to use spoiler tags where I could, but even seeing some of the names on a list of ďtragic momentsĒ may give too much away. So if youíre a stickler for avoiding spoilers, you might want to turn back now.
Double Dragon wastes no time in setting up the tragedy, with Marian being captured by an evil gang, and the two brothers that love her heading off to...
two brothers... who love... her...
Uh oh. You can see where this one is headed.
Upon defeating the last boss and finally reaching her, there is one last battle to be had. Brother versus brother. A fight to the death. Geez. Why canít they have solved this like civilized adults and agreed to share?
Bowser and Peach (Super Mario Sunshine - Gamecube)
Oh gosh, where do I even start with this one? We all know that Bowser loves Peach. I guess that isnít too weird. But somehow they made a baby together? A woman and a large, spiked turtle thingy? How does that even work? Even assuming that it would work, imagine a woman trying to give birth to a spiked turtle. Or would it be a turtle egg?
Ok fine, most likely Nintendo was not trying to suggest that Peach had sex with Bowser, carried his child, birthed it, and then forgot all about it. But what were they trying to say with this one?
The Hillbilly and His Flame (The Cave - Wii U eShop)
This is a very new game, so I will try not to spoil too much here. There was once a hillbilly, who fell in love with a girl. He worked long and hard to win her the perfect prize at a carnival. Unfortunately, another suitor stepped up and won the girl first.
The hillbilly was not happy. He did some... very not nice things. And by that I mean he murdered a bunch of people with fire.
Me and Iggy (Animal Crossing - Nintendo 64)
From the first moment that I laid my eyes upon Iggy after he arrived in my town, I knew that we would be special friends. Sure, he had a surly attitude every time that I spoke to him, but that was just him playing hard to get. I brought him gifts. Sometimes he was happy to receive them. Other times he was not. Ah... the capricious nature of true friendship.
I also sent him letters every day, pouring out my feelings to him in pages and pages of heartfelt prose. I wanted him in my life. I needed him in my life. Nothing would come between us.
And then he left me. Never a goodbye, he simply disappeared from my life. I was crushed.
The Prince and Farah (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - Gamecube)
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time had a pretty interesting approach to storytelling. Instead of having a ton of cutscenes, the story mostly unfolded in real time, as you played the game. And a large part of that story was the blossoming love between the Prince and a princess named Farah. Of course there were some early missteps, but in time they grew to understand and truly cherish each other.
And then they lived happily ever after.
Just kidding. In order to stop the evil Vizier, the Prince was ultimately forced to rewind time. Itís made as if his entire relationship with Farah never happened. Because it hasnít. You know, because of the whole time thing?
Ah well. At least they can give it another shot, right?
Maxim and Selan (Lufia and the Fortress of Doom - SNES)
Lufia and the Fortress of Doom is one of the most emotional games that I have ever played, and it doesnít take long to blast you with a tear-jerking moment. Iím not going to spoiler tag any of this, because it all happens within the first 20 minutes of the game.
Maxim and Selan are a married couple, and one half of the team of four heroes that must stop the evil Sinistrals. In this they are successful. However, the fortress begins to break up and fall out of the sky. Selan has been injured during the final battle and cannot go on. She begins to speak of her wish to stand with Maxim again on their land, and hold her child...
Maxim stays with her, while the other two escape. Maxim and Selan die together, leaving their child parentless.
Yes, Lufia and the Fortress of Doom is the first video game that made me cry.
Francis and Peach (Super Paper Mario - Wii)
Peach again?! She has the worst luck in men.
They say that love and obsession are not so far apart, and Francis had both of them in spades. To say that he had a thing for ďhot babesĒ would be an understatement, and Peach was most certainly a hot babe.
But much like most of us who play video games, he had no real life experience with women, and once she was actually in his room, he had no idea what to do about it. So of course he convinced her to have an online conversation with him, because speaking face to face with a girl who was in the same room with him was simply out of the question. Iím sure we have all been there before.
Yes, Iím openly promoting false stereotypes about gamers just for some half-baked attempt at comedy. Deal with it.
Travis and Sylvia (No More Heroes - Wii)
No More Heroes is a story about a nerdy American guy so madly in love with a sultry French woman that he wins a lightsaber in an Internet auction and kills a bunch of people just to be with her. Did I say love? I meant lust. Mostly he just wants to have sex with her.
He then finds out that she is not only actively conning him, but she is actually his twin brotherís wife. He still wants to have sex with her anyway, but that doesnít happen. Letís all feel sorry for him.
Donkey Kong and Pauline (Donkey Kong - NES)
Donkey Kong was one of the original video game love stories. I guess. Did Donkey Kong love Pauline? Or did he just desire to possess her? Is there really a difference? Yes, there is.
How exactly did that end? We donít know for certain, but the Donkey Kong Jr. starts with Donkey Kong trapped inside of a cage.
A cage. Isnít that really the best metaphor for love, after all? No, it isnít.
Hershel and Claire (Professor Layton and the Unwound Future - DS)
Professor Hershel Layton is generally an upbeat and dapper man, but he does hold some sadness inside of him. In the third game of the series, you learn why. You see, he used to be in love with a woman named Claire. Where is Claire now? Sigh. She has gone away.
What makes this even more tragic is that, due to the whole time travel thing, they are reunited for a bit years after they were separated. But only for a bit. Because Claire knows that her even being there creates a time travel paradox, and the only way to resolve it is to go back in time and die, as she was supposed to. So they have one last, heartfelt meeting, and then she must return to die.
If you need me Iíll be over here by my box of Kleenex....
I don't think reproduction in the Mushroom Kingdom has anything to do with biology. As we saw in Yoshi's Island, babies are brought to couple's houses by storks. So who knows how Peach became Bowser Jr.'s mama. I think Bowser was lying to his son so he would help him kidnap her.
Farah is hawt.
And lol at the No More Heroes description. That game revels in how juvenile it is which is what makes it awesome.
So glad that Maxim and Selan got a mention, even though I think it would be more emotional in Lufia II compared to I because of the time you have spent with them. Shame Anju and Kafei never got a mention.
I had originally planned to ask the community for some suggestions because I was sure I would miss some obvious ones, but I also didn't want the whole list to be spoiled in advance. Plus this was pretty last minute.
Ah well. I'd have had to go look up Locke and Rachel anyway, I don't remember too much about that. Some opera scene maybe?
Maybe I should have added the whole Crono / Marle / Lucca love triangle but I don't remember how that one ends. And I already had one love triangle...