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Top 10 Things About Modern Gaming I Don't Understand (2039 Edition) [top ten]
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10/31/15, 21:26 Edited: 10/31/15, 21:42
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6.) No More Superhero Origin Stories! |
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Look, enough is enough! Last year, General Dynamics/Disney rebooted the Fantastic Four yet again as a holo cube game. How many times do we need to see the Fantastic Four go up into that radiation cloud and come down with all their fantastic powers? I counted it up. It's literally been 21 times now. Can't someone, anyone, figure out how to move on from the origin story with these characters? At least we finally got to see Galactus. Well, his foot anyway. Which is a start. They've had him as a space cloud, a disembodied voice, a disembodied voice in a space cloud, a disembodied voice in a regular cloud, a vulture riding on the back of a pterodactyl and finally just an actor pretending to be a disembodied voice in a space cloud. Enough already. Just show the giant purple robot man and get over it. Audiences are ready. Hell, we just elected our first giant robot president, for god's sake. Worked better than you might have thought.
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3.) It's Too Expensive To Be A Gamer, Now |
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Since the introduction of the electro-crystal hologram cube, I've had to work up to 20 hours a week just to afford the latest gear. Everyone knows that gaming is an expensive hobby, but it really makes me angry to have to choose between either playing video games, working less hours or feeding starving children in the Unclean Zones. Right now, I'm going with video games, but the cost is really making me consider working less hours and just sticking to the games I've got. (Those starving children can fend for themselves.)
What I'd really like is for there to be a subscription plan where I just pay a couple of dollars a year and a guy will come by my house, give me the latest electronic equipment, set it all up, pay all the energy bills required to run it for a year, give me instructions on how to play, and maybe throw in a backrub before he goes. I don't think it's too much to ask.
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1.) I Don't Think Survival Horror Games Should Be Allowed To Murder You At The End |
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Sure, I know what the congressional hearings a few years ago said, but I don't care. Murder is not free speech or artistic expression and if that makes me out of step with the times, well then call me Mr. Old Fashioned.
Yeah, sure, the makers of "Resident Evil 17: Code Die-ronica" would point out that they only kill you if you have the "Soul Extractor/Rumble Pack" connected, and they'll immediately transfer your soul into your next awaiting clone, but I'm still not on board. I don't think you need to physically die to experience the thrill of survival horror.
And it's not like I haven't died a few times before. I played Resident Evil 15 and 16 and I was murdered at the end of both of those games. But then, after you get back to your regular day to day life, you get hit with all of that existential crisis stuff. "Does the soul extractor really work as advertised, or am I a victim of marketing? Am I really the original me, or was the original me brutally killed by a video game and I am just a copy of that dead person with all of his living memories? And, if that's the case, am I performing a further indignity on his dead corpse by stealing all the days of the rest of his life? Is it moral to subject myself to further indignity by killing this body and replacing it with yet another pretender to the life of the original gamer, who may go through this same existential crisis?"
Of course the developers at Lockheed-Capcom will tell you that the resulting existential crisis is the whole point of playing Resident Evil 15. Maybe I'm showing my age, but I think I could live a happy life without having to ask myself whether it was the right moral decision to let a video game murder me.
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10/31/15, 21:26 Edited: 10/31/15, 21:42 |
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