10) Games Used To Be About Long Stories With Flat Characters
That's what I loved most about games: They were kind of like movies, but movies married to the thrill of occasionally pushing buttons. Now, with the advent of the electro-crystal hologram cube, games are more and more about having fun in the moment while experiencing something unique and new. Balls to that.
I think this approach is a mistake, considering everyone knows the Golden Age of Gaming (roughly 2020-2035) was defined by a motherlode of classic games where you mostly just watched flat action hero characters spout movie cliches at each other, while jiggling cgi boobies titilated you. That's what was great about gaming, and I feel this move toward more active, holo-gaming has really ruined the entire genre.
9) DLC That's Only Available At Specific Government Locations
Ok, I get it. We want to make sure that what happened in Idaho doesn't happen again. Every patriotic Canadian agrees about that. But I don't really think that a roboterrorist is going to allow herself to be caught by a government radiation sniffer, just because she couldn't resist collecting all the alternate Deadpool costumes from Deadpool: Whatever Happened to the Assassin of Tomorrow?
The World's Most Beloved Fictional Character, Created by National Treasure Rob Liefeld.
Why do I have to undergo extreme rendition just to make sure everyone's safe from a nuclear bomb blast?
8) What They've Done to Gaseous Snake
I still don't understand why they had to age Gaseous Snake into an old man. When I was a kid, he was young and cool and laser. Solid Snake was the boring old man. Now Gaseous Snake is an old man and Solid Snake has turned to Plasma Snake. To top it off, Liquid Snake has turned to Color Glass Condensate Snake. Quantum Fog Snake is now the new Liquid Snake. And the old Color Glass Condensate Snake has just turned into a regular old snake.
Bottom-line: Too many Snakes.
It should just go back to how it was in the old days, with just Gaseous Snake stabbing robots in the back while Solid Snake and Liquid Snake sat on the porch, whittling and telling old stories that went nowhere. (And, yes, I said "stabbing robots." I'm not going to say "stabbing the Mechanically Abled", because PC is out of control, man/woman. I'm not racist, though.)
7) Droid Sex
Look, everyone knows my position on Droid Sex. It's the Unfettered Donkey position. I don't like games that remove that option and I don't think it's progress to make everyone have to adapt to the Burning Lotus. Some of us still only have two legs, alright.
6.) No More Superhero Origin Stories!
Look, enough is enough! Last year, General Dynamics/Disney rebooted the Fantastic Four yet again as a holo cube game. How many times do we need to see the Fantastic Four go up into that radiation cloud and come down with all their fantastic powers? I counted it up. It's literally been 21 times now. Can't someone, anyone, figure out how to move on from the origin story with these characters?
At least we finally got to see Galactus. Well, his foot anyway. Which is a start. They've had him as a space cloud, a disembodied voice, a disembodied voice in a space cloud, a disembodied voice in a regular cloud, a vulture riding on the back of a pterodactyl and finally just an actor pretending to be a disembodied voice in a space cloud. Enough already. Just show the giant purple robot man and get over it. Audiences are ready. Hell, we just elected our first giant robot president, for god's sake.
Worked better than you might have thought.
5.) Baby Tinder
You call it an app for arranging baby playdates. I call it an app for arranging baby hookups. Just no.
4.) Don't Try to Sell Me Crystal Meth in the Middle of Animal Crossing!
When I'm playing Animal Crossing for 4 days straight without sleeping, I don't want to see pop-up holo-salesmen for things like detergent or crystal meth. I hate how that new Mule character knocks on my door and tries to sell me that kind of stuff. Look, I'm not out of Tide, bro-bot! Get out of here.
Look, I know what brand of crystal meth works for me and my body chemistry. I need something that's Ph-balanced and I don't need some funny animal character trying to get me to switch to Hostess brand. That stuff gives me gas, alright! Stick to making Ding Dongs and overthrowing Southeast Asian countries, Hostess! Do what you do best. Leave me out of it.
3.) It's Too Expensive To Be A Gamer, Now
Since the introduction of the electro-crystal hologram cube, I've had to work up to 20 hours a week just to afford the latest gear. Everyone knows that gaming is an expensive hobby, but it really makes me angry to have to choose between either playing video games, working less hours or feeding starving children in the Unclean Zones. Right now, I'm going with video games, but the cost is really making me consider working less hours and just sticking to the games I've got. (Those starving children can fend for themselves.)
What I'd really like is for there to be a subscription plan where I just pay a couple of dollars a year and a guy will come by my house, give me the latest electronic equipment, set it all up, pay all the energy bills required to run it for a year, give me instructions on how to play, and maybe throw in a backrub before he goes. I don't think it's too much to ask.
2) Who the hell is Q*Bert?
And why are all the kids these days wearing T-shirts with him on it? I don't get this colorful, kiddy crap.
No. That is not a classic video game character, stupid kids. Pyramid Head, Princess Porn, and Freddy Fazbear are classic video game characters. Learn some history.
1.) I Don't Think Survival Horror Games Should Be Allowed To Murder You At The End
Sure, I know what the congressional hearings a few years ago said, but I don't care. Murder is not free speech or artistic expression and if that makes me out of step with the times, well then call me Mr. Old Fashioned.
Yeah, sure, the makers of "Resident Evil 17: Code Die-ronica" would point out that they only kill you if you have the "Soul Extractor/Rumble Pack" connected, and they'll immediately transfer your soul into your next awaiting clone, but I'm still not on board. I don't think you need to physically die to experience the thrill of survival horror.
And it's not like I haven't died a few times before. I played Resident Evil 15 and 16 and I was murdered at the end of both of those games. But then, after you get back to your regular day to day life, you get hit with all of that existential crisis stuff. "Does the soul extractor really work as advertised, or am I a victim of marketing? Am I really the original me, or was the original me brutally killed by a video game and I am just a copy of that dead person with all of his living memories? And, if that's the case, am I performing a further indignity on his dead corpse by stealing all the days of the rest of his life? Is it moral to subject myself to further indignity by killing this body and replacing it with yet another pretender to the life of the original gamer, who may go through this same existential crisis?"
Of course the developers at Lockheed-Capcom will tell you that the resulting existential crisis is the whole point of playing Resident Evil 15. Maybe I'm showing my age, but I think I could live a happy life without having to ask myself whether it was the right moral decision to let a video game murder me.
This electronic blog content has been approved by Inspector 4800253. The content is listed under category "harmless" with threat level "beige". The subject, Kris Wright, was last probed on 10-25-39 at location 150983205. He was found "mostly clean" by Inspector 2948005.