“Trust us. We were as surprised as anyone,” remarked Raymond Lamaire, president of the International Historical Summit 2013, referring to the announcement that Toe Jam and Earl actually happened.
“Let me make this clear. We’re not saying that the popular SEGA video game was produced and distributed. That’s been well known for years. What we’ve discovered is adamant proof, peer reviewed by the most eminent historians of our age, that the popular SEGA video game depicts actual historical events that occurred back in 1991,” he said. “Yeah. It blew our minds.”
The announcement raises new and troubling questions about what a couple of poindexter aliens were doing getting funky this close to Earth. And why it didn’t come to light until now. And also… there are aliens? Historians can back that up?
“We’ve confirmed most of it to be true,” said historian David Rosen. “There's some debate about the rocket shoes, but everything else is verifiable. Two aliens definitely landed on a floating island in space, near Earth, and met hula girls, cupids, and the Boogie Man. I mean, it sounds far fetched, I agree. But I can assure you, it’s all historical fact.”
So why did no one realize the video game “Toe Jam and Earl” was a documentary until now?
“Turns out between Saddam Hussein attacking Kuwait and the latest Michael Jackson album dropping, the people of 1991 just didn’t really notice these two funky aliens kicking around,” said Rosen. "However, scholarship is ongoing about whether there was ever, in fact, a panic on Funkotron."