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[review] Chrono Trigger (Super Nintendo)
Chrono Trigger on the Super Nintendo Playstation CD-Rom

Chrono Trigger is an awful game. Thereís no two ways about it. This is probably the most awful game Iíve played in my entire life. The characters are bland, the graphics suck, the music is horrendous, and thereís no replay value to this game at all. Seriously, youíd think the great minds at at Square could have come up with a better game than this.

ďThe story of Chrono Trigger focuses on a teenage boy named Serge and a theme of parallel worlds. Faced with an alternate reality in which he died as a child, Serge endeavors to discover the truth of the two worlds' divergence. The flashy thief Kid and many other characters assist him in his travels around the tropical archipelago El Nido. Struggling to uncover his past and find the mysterious Frozen Flame, Serge is chiefly challenged by Lynx, a shadowy antagonist working to apprehend him.Ē

The thing is, when you play the game, the story in the instruction manual doesn't have anything to do with what goes on in the game. You donít play as Serge, you play as some punk-ass kid named Chrono. How original, just like the title. I see what you did there. This kid Chrono is a real douchebag. And he wonít shut up. He spends the entire damn game yapping away at how depressed he is and how awesome he is because he was a member of SOLDIER. If youíre so good, how come you got booted off?

Then thereís Marle. Sheís a real sweetheart. Very well behaved, and very respectful of her elders. She would have gone far in life. That is, if she wasnít killed off by Sephiroth in the first disc. But thatís ok because you can bring her back to life using a Gameshark, though. You have to get a look-alike doll of her first. And she insists on being called Nadia after you resurrect her. Whatís wrong with this girl?

Lucca, oh Lucca. Always screwing up. I donít even know why Chrono and Marle put up with you. You bring absolutely nothing to the table. It was Chrono who invented the time machine and itís Marle who fixed Robo (some Tin-man wannabe). Why are you here? And whatís up with those glasses? I bet she could see the other side of the moon with those things!

And then there are other characters. They suck too, though. Thereís Robo, a tin-man who only wants a heart. Frog, a guy wearing a frog suit just so he can get lucky with a stupid princess who believes in true-love's kiss. Ayla, a stripper who has no respect for PETA. And Sephiroth, who wants to destroy all of humanity and create a new world for him and his mommy Jenova. Serious Oedipal issue there.

These graphics suck ass!!!!! Iím very disappointed that a 16-bit game for the Super Nintendo Playstation CD-Rom device would look worse than Dragon Warrior on the NES. Seriously, it looks worse than Sewer Shark on the SEGA CD. That game was good, though. This game is utter crap. Iím done talking about the graphics in this game. Iíll just let these pictures speak for themselves.

The music in this game is horrendous. Once again, I was expecting a sweeping orchestra of melodies using the power of the NPS CD. What I got was NES quality midi to go along with the NES quality graphics. Seriously, these people were doing retro-gaming before retro-gaming was even cool. Which means that it wasnít cool at the time. Just listen to a few of these tracks to see what I mean. This is the title music. This is the music from the Millenial Fair. This is the Battle Theme. Of course the best songs belong to Jenova and her son Sephiroth. The songs themselves arenít bad but, the 8-bit arrangement is horrible. Iíll leave you with a medley of some of the songs in the game.

I came into this game expecting an epic RPG like Iíve never played before. I was sorely disappointed. In fact, I couldnít get very far in the game. Once you reach the end of the Millennial Fair, where you have are supposed to go into the time machine, you have to solve a complex mathematical equation to use the stupid thing. I had to look up the answer on gamefaqs!!!!

Ainít nobody got time for that!!!

Seriously, how did people pass this part of the game back then?!?!?! Oh, right.

Easiest job in the world.

After passing that bit, I was prompted to download the next section of the game. When I went to the download screen, it told me that I had to pay $10 for the Dark Ages portion as well as any other time period. Excuse me? I have to pay more money after shelling out $60 bucks for a game thatís supposed to be complete? Let me get this straight. Square made a 16-bit game, for a CD system that looks and sounds like an 8-bit game, with micro-transactions? W....T......F......?!?!?! Wait, did Square invent micro-transactions with this game? Screw this. Iím done playing.

Story sucks. Graphics blow. Sounds like a buffalo took a diarrhea dump in your ear (where have I heard that before?). You have to shell out over a hundred bucks to play the full game, and, worst of all, it only has one ending. This has to be the worst game Iíve played in my entire life. I highly recommend that you spend your hard earned cash on something else like, Friday the 13th for the NES. Now thereís an awesome game!!!

  • The credit scroll at the beginning says that Chrono is voiced by Nathan Drake even though there are no voice overs in the game.

  • In the japanese version of the game for the Super Famicom Playstation CD, Marle is actually a dog. The original name for the game was Marle and Me.

  • Frog wears absolutely nothing under his Frog suit.

  • This game was going to be a link between all the different Final Fantasy games and it was supposed to explain why all Final Fantasies take place in different universes. Biggs and Wedge were going to have a more prominent role, since they appear in all those games.

  • Another scratched title for this game was going to be ďTime Egg.Ē But they quickly struck that down because it was stupid.

  • Chrono was supposed to be a silent hero like Link. Fortunately, the creators came to their senses in time.

  • The game was supposed to have multiple endings and a New Game+ feature, whatever that is. Unfortunately, this didnít make the cut because of time constraints. Ironic, given that the game is about time travel.

  • The game was going to be featured in ďThe Wizard 2: Back to California.Ē They didnít use it because of a lack of Warp Whistles.

  • Sephiroth joins your party early in the game. But he is booted off the island when he stabs and kills Marle with his long-ass sword at the end of the first disc. He then becomes the main villain of the story.

  • There was supposed to be a character named Magus, but they went with Sephiroth because he has a full head of hair.

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    Posted: 04/01/13, 23:56:27
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    Agreed, highly overrated game.

    And that soundtrack that everyone praises? Ripping off Rick Astley is considered a good way to make a game soundtrack now!?

    Posted: 04/02/13, 00:05:19
    I'll be sure to steer clear of this one. Great review!
    Posted: 04/02/13, 00:13:46

    That is amazing. Seriously.
    Posted: 04/02/13, 00:28:49
    Is this a joke?

    How did you even rate it a 1? I'd rather play with the box it came in.
    Posted: 04/02/13, 00:45:04
    This game is such a joke. I beat it, only to find out that the humans never even wind up existing and that everyone's just a Reptite. I mean, wtf Square?
    Posted: 04/02/13, 01:08:59
    Finally.. a realistic review.
    Posted: 04/02/13, 01:24:04  - Edited by 
     on: 04/02/13, 01:24:55
    @Smerd Your Chrono Trigger icons are making this like 100x funnier.

    Goddammit am I still logged in as this guy?
    Posted: 04/02/13, 01:32:36
    There. As I was saying, hilarious.
    Posted: 04/02/13, 01:34:54
    Thank you, Sir Master S., for bravely taking the plunge and playing this... monstrosity of a so-called 'game', so that the world may never have to speak of it again.

    Brilliant Sam, I'm laughing over here!
    Posted: 04/02/13, 01:55:16
    roykoopa64 said:
    Thank you, Sir Master S., for bravely taking the plunge and playing this... monstrosity of a so-called 'game', so that the world may never have to speak of it again.

    Brilliant Sam, I'm laughing over here!

    What are you talking about? This is serious! This game is so bad it should be recalled!!!!
    Posted: 04/02/13, 08:37:33
    It's not THAT bad. If you grind for 60 hours or so, the game has an average difficulty. Just be patient!

    2/10. There, I said it.
    Posted: 04/02/13, 16:27:19
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