There was a time in my life when it felt like Nintendo was there for me. Coming home from playing elementary school to play Mario Sunshine, back in Nintendo's golden years of the Gamecube, when they were literally on top of the gaming industry, I felt... safe. I wanted Mario to wrap his short, flabby, psuedo-caucasian arms around me. Was I buying into a literal shameless power fantasy? Yes. But... it felt right.
Lately, however, I've felt as though Nintendo has been growing more and more... distant. Like an estranged lover, washed away by the tides of a fate from whence no person can avoid. Kirby was no longer kinky. I could not get excited for Excitebots. Mario 3D World came and went, with its topographical display literally betraying all that I had come to know and love from the Mario I once knew.
Tell me... where is the Mario I once knew?
The signs had been showing since the dawn of the Friend Code, and alas, I didn't listen. I played Mario Kart 8, and it was the greatest game I'd played in years. Splatoon amazed me with its creativity and intelligent literally pandering to the Vine culture of the tweens who will one day bury us. I still play Mario Maker every day, and Super Smash Bros. for Wii U is the greatest game I'd played in years.
And yet...
...it had all been done before. Even the announced from Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, quite possibly literally the most unabashedly problematic game I'd played in years, with its rampant amiibo advertising and DLC practices that would make even Square Enix cry in shame.
And yet...
...after recent events, I can take it no longer. The facade of the kindly Nintendo I once knew has faded, and in a lonely meadow in Japan the ghost of Yamauchi weeps tears of sadness at what his love has literally been bastardized into. How could Nintendo do such a thing?
I'm talking, of course, about the launch of Miitomo.
Is this what anyone wanted? Did literally anyone on the planet ever say that we wanted Nintendo games on a smartphone? No. And yet... here we are.
My Mii smiles at me, literally embodying everything, with its robotically Orwellian voice, that the great authors of the 20th century warned us of.
There is no sunshine.
It asks me if I'd like to purchase Nintendo points, and somewhere, Donkey Kong weeps. What of Super Mario 3D World? Could it be that it was what we wanted all along?
Nintendo has changed, and more than ever, I now realize that they'll never change. Mark my words: Miitomo marks the turning point in this company's long, forty-year history.
I see Uncharted 4, and I lust for Nathan Drake, his taught body providing the succulence that the antiquated, backwards-thinking company I once knew could never provide with their shaming, flabby plumber.
At E3 2014, Reggie literally told us: "You seek originality, and yet, you want something new."
Perhaps, Reggie, you were right.
Perhaps it's not your fault. Perhaps it is only the world you were born into.
And yet...
...it is time, for Nintendo, to die.
Come, My Nintendo, come come, My Nintendo.
Please... remind me of when the Seal meant something.
With that out of the way, be sure to tune in next week when I give my thoughts on the Top 10 craziest NX predictions, along with a video on my first impressions of Star Fox Zero!!! Be sure to support me on
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Until next time: say fuzzy pickles!
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