Look, you don't get those Michelin stars by heating food on a stovetop. You need to bring that plate to the table raw and then torch that sucker right in front of everyone. I'm not overly concerned about getting it right, overpriced hipster restaurants are not about food quality, mostly because no one who eats at them has any idea what any of this stuff is supposed to taste like. They are about giving your customers an experience. And if the food ends up burnt, as it definitely will, I'll just tell them it's supposed to taste smokey. They won't question me because that would make them look uncultured.

Role: Burning all of the food

                  
Restaurants that serve one kind of cuisine are dinosaurs, go ahead and do that if you want your place to be dead on arrival. Me, I'm smarter than that. Fusion restaurants are the new kings, and the best way to do fusion is to just smash together two totally unrelated cuisines and create something that really shouldn't work, but with your hard work and attention to details definitely still does not work. Yamato Man and Knight Man will bring together the East and West, Japan and uh… the UK I guess? Oh god, no one wants British food. We're doomed. What was I thinking?!

Role: Making bangers and mash sushi

Let me guess, when you cook at home, if you cook at home, you probably use vegetable oil, maybe splurge for the olive oil on occasion, huh? Oh you sad, sad little peon. You've probably never even thought of cooking with peanut oil, grapeseed oil, avocado oil, rice bran oil, or soybean oil, have you? Have you ever smelled the perilla leaf oils from South Korea? Have you ever watched fresh oil being made from the sugar canes of Brazil? What a pathetically limited human being you are. You should be ashamed. Ashamed into spending money at my overpriced hipster restaurant.

Role: Purchasing 87 different kinds of oil

Remember those restaurants that had little toy trains come out and serve your food? We all loved those right? Sure, when we were children. It's pretty cheesy now though, huh? But see, that's the thing. Nothing is more popular with hipsters than irony, and much like used clothing stores discovered in the late 90s when they rebranded into uh, well I guess they were still used clothing stores but exclusively for hipsters, you can charge 10 times what an old piece of unwanted garbage is worth as long as you sell it on its kitsch value. Charge Man will help me create a restaurant that hipsters will rush to in droves just to get some photos for their zine. Remember zines? And they won't even care whatever dog food I serve them.

Role: Lots and lots of gaudy decorations

Nothing shows that you're a serious restaurant more than making a plate of food out of bubbles or some jacked up nonsense like that and then saying it is about the "essence" of the taste. Look, if you think dining out is for eating, that's because you're poor. Rich people don't need to dine out to get high quality food, they can just have their cook make it at home. No, they dine out to eat a plate of bubbles. And then pretend they like it, because one of their rich friends told them it was one of the best things that they had ever eaten, no really, you simply must try it! But it's bubbles! I'm serving people a plate of bubbles! I'd be worried about bad reviews but no one will ever give an overpriced restaurant that serves them a plate of bubbles a bad review because then they would look like an idiot who paid $800 for a plate of bubbles.

Role: Making plates of bubbles