When we were kids we used to play this game. What you did was you took your erm… “sword” and then your friend took his… and then you hit them together repeatedly for hours at a time, and somehow one of you eventually declared victory over the other.

Hmm...

Come to think of it, I never played that game at all. I swear. I saw… I mean I heard about it though. How nasty. Why would Capcom make a boss based on a children’s dirty penis game?! Are they trying to teach innocent children that masturbation and homosexuality are not the evil, sinful acts that they are? Why does Jack Thompson waste his time on Grand Theft Auto when Capcom has been sneaking this stuff into its games for years? And why do people still, to this day, try to challenge my status as the undisputed swordmaster when they clearly cannot handle my skills? I definitely stand above all others in a league of my o…

Wait, what are you laughing about? Oh I see, “handle.”

Grow up.

Pirate Man? More like ASS Pirate Man!

Nah seriously I got nothing. But don't worry, it gets good from here on out.

Or bad, rather. Very, very bad.

There is this new thing going around nowadays the kids are all getting into called the “miff diving.” I’m not sure exactly what it is because I’m not a dirty pervert, but I think it is when a guy takes a girl underwater and plays with her miff, which I would assume is her belly button. What exactly playing with a girl’s belly button underwater does for anyone I have no idea. It’s probably the same type of people who get into strangling themselves while partaking in illicit sexual encounters, as it would be very difficult to breath underwater (unless you are a fish.) Speaking of fish, I once heard a guy say that a girl’s miff smelled like fish. How strange. I have also heard that sometimes girls even miff dive on other girls, which is clearly a sin in the eyes of god and man. I think I must do some more research on this miff diving topic. Perhaps I will seek out some articles describing in explicit detail exactly how the miff diving takes place.

And photos.

And videos.

(For educational purposes only, of course.)

Ah, here we are at the second of our Capcom robots inspired by the penis. Believe me, there will be more. Many, many more. I’m not entirely sure what Capcom’s obsession with male genitalia is. I’d love to believe they are like classic Greek artists who used their canvases to express the subtle complexities of mankind’s hopes and struggles in the form of the male nude.

Except Mega Man 7 is a far cry from art. It’s probably one of the worst classic Mega Man games, actually. And I don’t recall Michelangelo ever sculpting a piece called “David Showing his Junk.” Oh well. Most of those artists slept with 13 year old boys anyway, perverts each and every one of them. But they were not quite as depraved as Capcom’s development staff, apparently. That’s on another level en…

Uh oh, what are you laughing at now? “Staff?”

I don’t get it. What does “staff” have to do with anything?

I once went to a breeding ground for testosterone-filled jackasses and loose women. Otherwise known as a “bar.” Unfortunately, while navigating my way through the masses of disgusting human flesh, an alcoholic-fueled Neanderthal decided to bless me with what his underdeveloped brain probably considered a thought.

“Man that slut in the corner looks like she wants it, doesn’t she? I’d sure like to drill her one good, you know what I mean?!”

At first it disgusted me.

And then it slightly aroused me.

And then I realized that no, I didn’t know what he meant; at all. So I went home and looked it up on Wikipedia. My god. How could you Capcom? Why would you make a boss robot whose entire purpose is to “drill?” Do you consider our society so steeped in degradation that in some not so far off future we would need to create “drilling” robots to fulfill our sick desires? Considering how popular your disgusting games are, maybe this isn’t too far from the truth.

There once was a genie with a twenty foot weenie
Who showed it to the lady next door
She thought it was a snake
Killed it with a rake
Now it’s only two foot four.

And that… is all that needs to be said about that.

It’s bad enough that we have so many phallic robots, but do we really need robots about erect penises? I guess they are better than flaccid penises. Not that I look at either one, mind you. I definitely don’t have folders labeled “Erect” and “Flaccid” stored on my computer anywhere. That would be sick.

Besides, everyone knows you name the folders you store all your penis pictures in things like “System” and “Application” and then have a confusing maze of subfolders to navigate before you get anywhere near the penis pictures, so that no one ever suspects anything. That’s what I do… erm, would do. But I wouldn’t be storing penis pictures on my computer anyway, you perverts.

Hmm, I don’t remember making this folder called “Data” on my desktop, I wonder what is in…

OH GOD.

Data indeed. And now I must take a few minutes and work on my data.

What?

Seriously, it’s a folder full of data and I need to do some work on it. What did you think I meant?

You have sick and dirty minds, each and every one of you.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Apparently Capcom decided we needed an evil robot boss who runs around flashing everyone. I’m not exactly sure how this is supposed to act as a weapon, but then again, I have no idea what robot genitals look like and everything my imagination is coming up with is wrong; very, very wrong.

If I remember the game correctly, upon Flash Man’s genital exposure Mega Man’s brain circuits would overload and shut down, rendering him temporarily unable to move, at which point Flash Man would then take undue advantage of Mega Man, raping him over and over in a disgusting orgy of sex and metal. My interpretation of these events may be slightly amiss; when I try to actually think back to specifics about the classic Mega Man games my mind goes blank. My therapist calls it “psychogenic amnesia” and claims it is a direct result of severe childhood trauma.

Thanks for ruining my life, Capcom.

The human orgasm is both a wonderful and terrible thing. Of the 27,458 ½ orgasms I have had in my life, the vast majority have brought some form of pleasure. But then they are followed by a severe sense of shame and overwhelming guilt, generally resulting in my inert body curled up in a fetal position in the corner of my room, while the mysterious word “Inafune” crashes over and over against the feeble structures of my mind.

Yet, shockingly, never once have I thought, “well gee, I’d sure like to create a robot who attacks by having an orgasm all over my enemies.” But that’s probably because I’m not a sick child molester like the developers over at Capcom. God, just thinking about Burst Man makes me so…

so…

27,459 ½.

Why is it so hard to come up with things to say about Hard Man?

After all Hard Man can come up with ways to get hard.

Hard Man can also get hard and come… up?

If Hard Man is a hard man, and I am a man…

Does that mean I am hard?

If I can’t come up with things to say about Hard Man…

Does that mean I’m going to come down hard?

But if I, as a man, do come up with things to say about Hard Man coming hard…

That means that I… am… I am... wait a second...

Holy fuck.

I just figured it out. I can’t believe it. How has no one realized this before?

Everything. EVERYTHING… it’s all contained in class Mega Man. All of our hopes, all of our dreams, the secrets to life itself.

The snake corrupted us in the Garden of Eden…

We realized we were dirty, terrible creatures and no longer ran around flashing each other in the nude…

We crawled from prehistoric wood into the iron age of the sword…

Pirates conquered the oceans and we dove far beneath the waves…

The age of technology bursts forth, leading to massive drilling… we pollute our planet with all of our junk… most of all war, throughout history, endless war…

Why do we have to kill each other? Why is our history as a species tied into war, war all the time? The secret is right here in class Mega Man. Hold together mind. It’s so hard. So very, very hard. But I’m so close… to understanding… everything. My mind… hard.

Hard.

We drill in the Middle East for oil. The drills are hard.

Spys are snakes, bursting out in our midst. Keep the snakes away. It’s so hard.

Swords… we have given up on swords and turned to guns, but swords are more… substantial… our warfare is impersonal now. The feel of cold steel crashing hard on cold steel… lost forever.

It’s all so hard.

Gah, if I could only piece this together.

I have it… hard… I have it… wood, snake, flash… god I’m so close to solving it all… dive, drill, burst… everything, war, diseases… pirate, sword, junk… hunger, hatred… hardtred… hard t red, it’s right here… so hard… but why red? It’s hard, I know, but why... red...

WHY MUST IT BE SO HARD?

And yet… I have… I… the solution… it’s…

hold...


together...







Ah no, I’ve lost it.

My mind, that is. I’ve lost my fucking mind.