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The Top 10 Best Things About the 1997 Star Fox 64 Promotional Video [top ten]
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What’s that kids, you want ol’ gramps here to tell you a story? No? Well you’re getting one whether you like it or not. Now sit down, close your eyes and journey with me back into the deep, dark mists of time. Back before your HDTVs, your motion controls and your digital downloads...
The year was 1997. In those days we didn’t have this fancy “Internet” thing that we could use to go to “Negative World” every day to get all of the latest and greatest in video gaming entertainment. No sirs. We subscribed to Nintendo Power, and we were gosh darn lucky if the VHS promo tapes they sent us didn’t get lost in the mail. What is that little Billy, you want to know what a “VHS” and the “mail” are? Well that, my boy, is a story for another day.
The best of these tapes was easily the legendary Star Fox 64 promo video, and I’m not just saying that because it is one of only two that I ever received (the other one being the Diddy Kong Racing video.) What is that little Sally, you say that you have Star Fox 64 on your 3DS? What in tarnation is a 3DS? A 3D dual screen handheld system? What in the heck do you need all of that stuff for?! Kids today. First this, then come the sex and drugs. I know how it works, believe you me. Not from personal experience, mind. Now wash your mouth out with soap and never say those words again.
Anyway, in my day the console wars really meant something. We didn’t have your fancy Xboxs, no madam. We had Segas and Nintendos, and dagnabbit, we liked it... whether we liked it or not! And then this newcomer Sony came along and changed everything with their flashy Mountain Dew and X-Games (Sony did invent that stuff, right?) Being an old person, I naturally hated this change.
But change is not what this article is about. It’s about a game better than anything you whippersnappers know, Star Fox 64. And the even greater promo video that preceded it. So take your silly Internet and use it for something better than posting pictures of your sex and drug parties or whatever it is that you kids do and watch this video. It might not have any of your fancy 3D in it, but I guarantee that it is better than anything you degenerates are watching nowadays. Once you are done we can talk about 10 things that make it great.
…
…
So.
Are you... still with me?
Ok, enough of the old man act. Let’s do this!
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01/24/13, 20:48 Edited: 09/08/15, 20:26
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So who exactly are these bushwhacking reprobates? Why, a Sony rep and a Sega rep, of course. How do we know this? It says so... on their shirts! Were you expecting subtlety here? These are the console wars, baby! Subtlety has no place in the console wars! Now, with all of the effort these goons have gone through to stay on the down-low (um, ignoring the megaphone, and well... everything else), you might think that they wouldn’t want to boldly advertise who they work for in the midst of their chloroform assault and kidnapping in broad daylight, but apparently they know something about corporate espionage that I do not. Makes me wonder if this isn’t actually some kind of false flag attack set up by Nintendo themselves to make Sony and Sega look bad. Hmm... nah, probably not. Clearly Sony and Sega reps excel at making themselves look bad on their own. I always found it a bit odd that Sega was given equal placement next to Sony in a 1997 promo video. This was deep into the Saturn era, when they had long since lost their relevance in the console wars, yet still a bit before the Dreamcast half of an era gave that last big (yet ultimately unrewarded) ray of hope. I guess the Sega thug mostly deferred to the Sony thug, and they did need two guys to play off of each other, but still.
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There are essentially two ways in film to show your audience that someone is evil. The first way is to give your villain a top hat, a monocle, and a long, curly mustache. How this came to represent evil, I’m really not sure, but at some point... I mean... were there actually villainous people running around in the real world that looked like that? The imagery had to come from somewhere, right? However, this does not apply to the Star Fox 64 promo video. So we are left with the second way; insane maniacal laughter. We get to experience this not once (0:34), not twice (1:19), not even thrice, but yea, many times more. If you somehow still thought that Sony and Sega were average companies with average employees in the year 1997, this video made the truth pretty clear. They were full of lunatics.
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I searched IMDb for information on this Star Fox 64 promo video, and oddly enough, I found nothing. I’m assuming that it is considered as being at such an exalted level, transcending the very nature of film itself, that exclusion was done for the benefit of traditional media. I did, however, find a short film entitled Thank You, Star Fox 64, and now my life will not be complete until I figure out what the heck this is. Or should I say what the heck? this is. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the acting! I’m not sure who these actors are, but all four of them deserve a simultaneous Oscar for best acting of all-time. Just look at the intensity that they use when delivering such classic lines as “The eagle has landed. I repeat; the eagle has landed.” or “Like you’re actually in a cockpit? Flying and fighting?” Fear, anger, suspicion, sarcasm, irony, and ultimately... joy. Never have I seen such a range of emotions executed to such perfection in a mere 10 minute span. Wait just a second here... Is that young Nathan Fillion?! IT’S TOTALLY HIM!No it isn't.
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So, the basic plot of this video is that these Sony and Sega guys kidnap some Nintendo dudes to force them to spill the beans on Nintendo’s ace-in-the-hole, Star Fox 64, right? That’s a completely logical and believable plot point, to be sure. However, how do they get them to talk? Surely no representatives of Nintendo would ever willingly give information to the enemy without being put under extreme duress. Enter... the torture. Yes, this seemingly innocent promo video includes pure, abject torture. First an innocent victim is placed under a vice which is squeezed tighter and tighter, and the Nintendo test pilot is forced to watch until he can no longer bear it. But even that is not enough for these vile denizens of Sony and Sega. No, they need information from the second Nintendo rep, so they hook up their victim to an electroshock machine and send unadulterated voltage coursing through his body. Can you believe they put this in a video for a Nintendo game?! Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”What are you guys doing with Mario?!”
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“Word on the street is... you got a new Nintendo 64 game coming out.” “Could you be a little more specific? We got a lot of new games coming out.”Oh, you thought this was all about Star Fox 64? That’s just the tip of the Nintendo iceberg. If there was anything that the Nintendo 64 had such a lop-sided victory in that they could push it in the faces of their competition, it was the quantity of games coming out on their system. The Nintendo 64 was basically known for the vast amount of games it had, right? … ...am I right guys? Here is the list of games that you got a sneak peek at in the Star Fox 64 promo video: “GOLDEN EYE” “YOSHI’S ISLAND 64” “MISCHIEF MAKERS” “San Franciso Rush” “Major League Baseball Featuring Ken Griffey, Jr.” “AERO FIGHTER ASSAULT” “TOP GEAR RALLY” “International Superstar Soccer 64” “Zelda 64” Why on Earth the names kept switching between all caps and not, and Goldeneye was broken up into two words, is beyond me. Probably some subliminal marketing strategy employed by Nintendo, although it is tough to understand the ultimate goal of it. And what the fudge is AERO FIGHTER ASSAULT doing on that list of otherwise good to excellent games? That game was balls.
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When you think of the greatest lines from cinema, which come to mind? "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."?"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."?"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."?“Open the pod bay doors HAL.”? (For the sci-fi nerds out there.) If you said any of the above, then you clearly have not watched the Star Fox 64 promo video. The correct answer is, of course: “Pizza for Bob! Are you uh... Bob?”This may be the absolute best line from any piece of cinema, ever, and it pushes the dialog into Oscar-calibre territory. Oh, the rest of the video has some great dialog too, but why get into it when this gem pretty much says everything that needs to be said?
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01/24/13, 20:48 Edited: 09/08/15, 20:26 |
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