I wrote this a long time ago. Pre-2006, apparently. And I'm not going to change it to make it make sense in the present times. Nor am I going to read it and see if it isn't nearly as interesting and/or funny as I kind of remember it being (but not so much). So, deal with it!The worst Metroid movie script ever written… maybe.
As you may or may not know, the rights to a movie based on Nintendo’s Metroid franchise were optioned off to producer/director John Woo awhile back. Rumour has it that the “first” film will release sometime in 2006, though nothing much has been said since. Whether or not the movie is actually going to see the light of day, one thing is for sure… it will suck.
Badly.
Yes you heard me right. I have the utmost respect for John Woo, but let’s be honest here… Hollywood has no idea how to handle the video game to movie transition. There is a chance he pulls it off well. There is also a chance that tomorrow, on my way to work, I will trip over the winning lottery ticket. My ever-benevolent nature will lead me not to keep it for myself, but to find out whom the original owner is, and give back what is due. *She* will end up being beautiful, single, and a gamer herself, fall in love with me because of my kind heart (certainly not my good looks), and we will get married. We will then take our 58 million dollars (probably closer to 20 million after taxes) and use some of it to live happily for the rest of our lives, and the rest to invest into a safe but aggressive fund which will, in 20 years, be enough for us to option the rights to Metroid and finally make a video game movie worth seeing.
Yes, all of this on my way to work tomorrow. Keep in mind I’m unemployed at the moment.
But let us get back to reality: this movie is going to suck. I can imagine many many ways in which it will suck. Instead of writing out an entire script of utter suckiness, I focused on certain scenerios in which total and complete sucktitude will appear. All of these suckily sucky scenerios may not be in the final movie, but I assure you, a good portion of them will. And they will suck.
First, let us start with the important part. Who will play Samus Aran? Ideally the actress would be strong, a bit badass (but no lame teen angst attitude), with a gritty look to her. Not exactly the female Schwarzenegger but close. Think Sigourney Weaver from Aliens. But alas, Hollywood doesn’t pick stars to fit roles, they make the roles fit their stars. I have narrowed it down to two probable choices. First, we have Jessica Alba. This one seems to be the horny teenage gamer’s favored choice. And why not? She’s hot, she’s a great actr… well. Um. She’s hot. Not exactly the grizzled, warrior type you would expect from the galaxy’s most feared bounty hunter but … just look at that rack! My god! And that ass! Sure she would be totally wrong for the role, but who thinks about that stuff? Not Hollywood. And the second choice, perhaps less probable, but you never know… Jessica Simpson. Worst choice ever? Sure. Would millions of horny teens rush to see the movie? Hell yes. Is that enough to get Hollywood to put her in the lead role? Definitely. It’s almost a preordained fact. But hey, if not one of those two, then one of the hundreds of vapid, slutty, fake-looking big-titted bimbo blond talentless hacks who get by with their racks out there in Hollywood. Plenty to choose from.
So the movie is already doomed, and we haven’t even started on all the script issues that are sure to appear. But let’s go on.
Scenerio A: The annoying robot sidekick
If there is one thing Metroid fans know, it is that Samus works alone. She don’t need no damn sidekick. Ok so Metroid Fusion sort of had the computer partner or whatever. But that isn’t even close to what I’m thinking here. You know the typical Hollywood movie sidekick… annoying, bratty, one-dimensional, the yang to the main character’s ying. Typically this character is mostly there for the “one-liner” and the sad attempt at what Hollywood thinks is humour. And of course it is never the main hero’s choice… for instance, in this case we can assume the Galactic Federation has paired Samus up with her robot buddy (let’s call him “Gear”) and Samus has no say in the matter. This sets up many HILARIOUS situations involving Gear making stupid (yet funny!) mistakes and Samus blowing up on him in anger. Yet of course, at the end of the movie, Gear saves Samus’ life and she realizes the true worth of Gear, not just as a partner but as a… *wipes away tears*… friend. Sniff. But let’s look at a piece of the script, if not exactly the one in Woo’s hands, well, something close to it…
START SCENE
Samus walks through mist-filled cavern, Gear right behind her, very low visibility, suspected alien lair…
Gear: It’s quiet.
Samus (looks back in disdain at Gear, then looks forward again): A little… TOO… quiet.
noise behind them
Gear (obviously scared): What was that?
Samus: Don’t freak out, just stay close.
the mist clears away to reveal they are standing in the middle of a circle of about 100 alien creatures, who are slowly closing in…
Gear: Oh… my… god. We’re dead.
Samus (looks directly at the camera for a split second, then back at the aliens): NOT ON MY WATCH!
Battle ensues, several hilariously close calls leave Gear falling apart a bit, but alive, Samus eventually kills all alien creatures…
Samus (looking at Gear): Wow, they sure screwed you.
Gear (picking up a screw): More like…
Gear looks directly into the camera, pause
Gear: UNSCREWED.
Audience erupts into mad laughter
END SCENE
Yeah I know, horrible. But you better get used to it now, there will be 2 hours of it.
Scenerio B: The love interest
If there is one thing I know about Hollywood, it is that it is impossible for them to make a movie starring an adult female lead without her having a love interest, and the inevitable sex scene. Mark my words, there is NO escaping this one. Now, as we all know, Samus has a somewhat unknown and possibly scarred past… perfect fuel for her love interest (we will call him Captain Gonzalez) to put his moves on her. After all, what makes a better love story than a woman with a cold exterior and a man who doesn’t take no for an answer, who knows that deep down within… she can feel… the warmth of love. Either that or he just wants to bone her, but whatever… here is a piece from the script…
START SCENE
Samus returns from particularly grueling battle to ship, still in full armor but helmet off, where she is met near the showers by Captain Gonzalez…
Gonzalez: So how did it go?
Samus (barely looking as she walks past him): It went.
Gonzalez grabs her arm, Samus stops and turns sharply
Gonzalez: Are you always this cold to people?
Samus stares at him for a few seconds without speaking, then turns away again
Gonzalez (calling after her): You know, many people say you’re not even human. Sometimes I wonder myself what is beneath that suit…
Samus stops, waits a few seconds, then walks over to him
Samus: Oh you wonder, do you?
Gonzalez: I do. Rumours say you are more machine than woman, but I can’t believe that. I can’t explain it, but I know there is more to you. Something no machine could ever have. Something that… (steps closer to her, puts his hand on her face) attracts… me to you.
They stare into each others eyes. Samus moves to shy away, but Gonzalez reaches over and kisses her hard. At first she is hesitant, but then she kisses back equally as hard. The passionately kiss for awhile, and then Samus pulls away and steps back…
Samus: Well Captain…
Gonzalez looks on eagerly
Samus: How about we find out what is beneath this suit…
Samus presses button on suit and suit completely vanishes. Gonzalez stares at her nude body, then she walks into the shower room. He is about to follow her when from in the shower room…
Samus: GEAR! What are YOU doing in here?!
Audience erupts into mad laughter
Samus and Gear get into an argument, Gonzalez looks back and forth between the showers and the hallway, hesistates, then sighs and walks away…
END SCENE
Don’t worry. They will eventually consumate their “love”, we most definitely cannot have a movie without the inevitable sex scene. Let’s just call this part the tease leading up to it.
And finally, onto my last scene. Oh don’t worry, there are many more examples of how horribly ruined this movie is going to be, but it would probably take a 10 page article just to list half the ones I have in my head, let alone develop them. But this one is, I think, one of the most important…
Scenerio C: The big (and horribly unnecessary) twist ending
You can’t make a movie with a predictable ending now can you? Booooooring. You also, apparently, can’t make a movie with an unpredictable ending that makes some sort of sense either. Nope. It has to be the completely unnecessary and horribly retarded twist ending that leaves 95% of the audience scratching their heads afterwards. You know, the kind of movie where you walk out into the lobby afterwards and the phrase you hear everyone saying is “Wait, I don’t get it…” Usually they won’t even admit to themselves that the ending totally sucked balls, it is more just a stunned sort of “if I can just grasp this in my mind, why they did that… there HAS to be a reason right… why?” After a few days of questioning why you just eventually give up and admit the movie sucked ass. But don’t worry, we all know the Mother Brain is the bad guy (or girl… or thing) in Metroid right? The movie at least won’t mess that up, right? RIGHT?
Right.
Or maybe…
START SCENE
Samus has been lured into a trap. The Space Pirate base she was sent to destroy, told that it contained the last of the Space Pirate rebels, was empty, and a huge explosion sent her crashing into a wall. Her suit is completely damaged and she is half trapped under rubble, bleeding and barely able to lift her head up. Suddenly she sees a shadowy figure in the corner of the room…
Shadowy figure (speaking in a somewhat familiar voice she can’t quite place…): It’s a shame it had to end this way, but alas, such is life.
Samus: Who… who are you?
The figure steps out into the light, holding a blaster gun aimed at Samus. It is Captain Gonzalez!
Samus: Gonzalez? NO! Why… I thought you loved me…
Gonzalez: Love? Hmph, what a pedestrian concept. We have much greater goals. You ask why? To control the entire galaxy of course. Mankind’s ultimate destiny. Did you really believe that the Galactic Federation stood for peace?
Samus (in a shocked voice): The Galactic Federation!?
Gonzalez: But of course. Do you think I act alone? Don’t you understand? For thousands of years the Galactic Federation has worked not to bring peace to the galaxy, but to control it. There were some who stood in our way once… a long time ago… but we took care of that problem.
Samus (in an even more shocked voice): You don’t mean…
Gonzalez: Exactly. The Chozo once tried to stop us, and now they are but a memory, a mere footnote in history that will soon be forgotten. Mankind will rule this galaxy. (raising voice) THE GALACTIC FEDERATION SHALL MAKE SURE OF THIS!
Samus finally pushes off rubble and stands up, but obviously weak and barely able to keep herself up
Samus (shouting): You’ll never get away with this!
Gonzalez (laughing): And who will stop us? Don’t you see even now? We used the Space Pirates to destroy the Chozo, we used you to destroy the Space Pirates, and now we will destroy you. There is no one left to stop us. Mankind WILL rule the galaxy. It is our fate.
Gonzalez steps towards Samus and aims blaster right at her chest…
Gonzalez: It really is a shame. We did have our fun together. However, this has drawn out long enough. Prepare yourself for death, Samus.
Gonzalez moves to pull trigger, and then…
Mysterious voice: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Blaster fire erupts from offscreen, shooting Gonzalez’ blaster out of his hands. Gonzalez turns to face voice
Samus: Gear!
Gonzalez: It can’t be! I killed you… I killed you myself!
Gear (stepping onscreen): Silly human, who ever heard of a robot that truly died? I had a backup stored of my main system memories.
Gonzalez (backing away): Watch yourself robot! You have been programmed not to harm members of the Galactic Federation.
Gonzalez pulls hidden blaster from his suit
Gonzalez: In fact, you can’t harm me. It looks like you lose. Now I shall kill you both, FOR GOOD!
Gear: Program this.
Gear pulls the trigger, blasting a hole neatly through Gonzalez’ heart. Gonzalez drops to the floor.
Samus: Gear! How did you do that?
Gear: Let’s just say I did a little… reprogramming… of my own.
Samus walks over to Gear and puts her arm on him
Samus: Well whatever the case, I sure am glad to see you.
Gear: Me too. But you know what?
Samus: What?
Gear looks at Gonzalez’ body, hole where the heart used to be
Gear: That is…
Samus (smiling): Don’t say it!
Gear: one…
Samus (giggling): I’m warning you!
Gear: heartless bastard!
Audience erupts into mad laughter
Samus laughs
Samus: He stole my heart, I guess it was only fair that you stole his.
Gear: Amen to that sister!
Samus and Gear walk off into the distance, credits begin to roll
END SCENE
Yep. There it is. Or something close to it. Hope you aren’t expecting much better.
But where are the actual… metroids… you ask? Oh… they aren’t in this movie. They didn’t fit the overall vision of the artists involved in the creation of this wonderful and beautiful piece of Hollywood art. And if you’re waiting for Samus to turn into a morph ball, keep waiting… come on… “morph ball”… that’s unrealistic! The audience would never buy that! Where would she even go? (Actually wait… where the hell does she go?!!!?) And you’re probably wondering why Gear saves Samus even though he was programmed by the “evil” Galactic Federation, right? Answer: Because um… well, that is to say… erm… hey, look at Jessica Simpson’s titties!
All joking aside, this movie is going to blow total suck horrible ass. Yeah, it is going to be so bad I don’t even need to bother with correct grammar to describe how bad it is. And I’ll be there day one in line just to see how much it sucks. And then probably a few times over the next few days as well, because I won’t actually be able to make myself fully believe it sucks. And then rent the DVD from Blockbuster because wait… maybe it actually didn’t suck that bad… oh yeah. It did. And then buy the DVD because you know, it might be good this time. Nope, still not. But wait, here is the special edition director’s cut DVD, this one might be… no. Just no. Why must I torture myself so?
The answer is obvious. It is Metroid.
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