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Editorial by 
April 01, 2016, 22:52:52
There was a time in my life when it felt like Nintendo was there for me. Coming home from playing elementary school to play Mario Sunshine, back in Nintendo's golden years of the Gamecube, when they were literally on top of the gaming industry, I felt... safe. I wanted Mario to wrap his short, flabby, psuedo-caucasian arms around me. Was I buying into a literal shameless power fantasy? Yes. But... it felt right.

Lately, however, I've felt as though Nintendo has been growing more and more... distant. Like an estranged lover, washed away by the tides of a fate from whence no person can avoid. Kirby was no longer kinky. I could not get excited for Excitebots. Mario 3D World came and went, with its topographical display literally betraying all that I had come to know and love from the Mario I once knew.

Tell me... where is the Mario I once knew?

The signs had been showing since the dawn of the Friend Code, and alas, I didn't listen. I played Mario Kart 8, and it was the greatest game I'd played in years. Splatoon amazed me with its creativity and intelligent literally pandering to the Vine culture of the tweens who will one day bury us. I still play Mario Maker every day, and Super Smash Bros. for Wii U is the greatest game I'd played in years.

And yet...

...it had all been done before. Even the announced from Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, quite possibly literally the most unabashedly problematic game I'd played in years, with its rampant amiibo advertising and DLC practices that would make even Square Enix cry in shame.

And yet...

...after recent events, I can take it no longer. The facade of the kindly Nintendo I once knew has faded, and in a lonely meadow in Japan the ghost of Yamauchi weeps tears of sadness at what his love has literally been bastardized into. How could Nintendo do such a thing?

I'm talking, of course, about the launch of Miitomo.

Is this what anyone wanted? Did literally anyone on the planet ever say that we wanted Nintendo games on a smartphone? No. And yet... here we are.

My Mii smiles at me, literally embodying everything, with its robotically Orwellian voice, that the great authors of the 20th century warned us of.

There is no sunshine.

It asks me if I'd like to purchase Nintendo points, and somewhere, Donkey Kong weeps. What of Super Mario 3D World? Could it be that it was what we wanted all along?

Nintendo has changed, and more than ever, I now realize that they'll never change. Mark my words: Miitomo marks the turning point in this company's long, forty-year history.

I see Uncharted 4, and I lust for Nathan Drake, his taught body providing the succulence that the antiquated, backwards-thinking company I once knew could never provide with their shaming, flabby plumber.

At E3 2014, Reggie literally told us: "You seek originality, and yet, you want something new."

Perhaps, Reggie, you were right.

Perhaps it's not your fault. Perhaps it is only the world you were born into.

And yet...

...it is time, for Nintendo, to die.

Come, My Nintendo, come come, My Nintendo.

Please... remind me of when the Seal meant something.

With that out of the way, be sure to tune in next week when I give my thoughts on the Top 10 craziest NX predictions, along with a video on my first impressions of Star Fox Zero!!! Be sure to support me on Patreon if you'd like to see more rad editorials like this one--remember, we're finally at $19,000 for each article I write, and once we hit $20,000, I'll print them off and mail them to you!

Until next time: say fuzzy pickles!


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Posted: 04/01/16, 22:52:52  - Edited by 
 on: 04/02/16, 03:41:30    
Why not sign up for a (free) account and create your own content?
*golf claps*

Posted by 
 on: 04/02/16, 00:10:46
This literally speaks to my heart and soul.

Posted by 
 on: 04/02/16, 15:34:54
I've always been a die hard Nintendo fanboy. Yea, unfortunately, I used to bash the other guys. Nintendo was my favorite. I'd defend them til no end.

Now, they have changed. Definitely, not for the better. As much as I love Mario's platforming adventures, Link's mighty quests, Starfox's might space battles, ect, ect. I long to play new, innovative games. I'm tired of the same ole regurgitated crap. Don't get me wrong, I still love playing those games, but there needs to be other, different new games as well. Regardless of who makes them, Third Parties, which we know Nintendo has scared or bullied away ever since the N64 days. Sure, there is a fair amount of Indie games, one can download from the eshop, but that is not enough. Nintendo needs games like the Dark Souls trilogy, Bloodbourne, cool different games like, Until Dawn, Hell, even great stuff like Telltale's Walking Dead series, The Wolf Among Us, these games would port easily to the Wii U, probably even the 3ds. All the cool, newest Sports titles, fighters like Mortal Kombat X, Street Fighter V. Even though, I'm not a huge fan of, first person shooters like Call of Duty, cool adventure games like Witcher 3, weird games like Plant VS Zombies.

I could go on and on and keep listing great AAA games from third parties that Nintendo has done everything in their power to push away, over and over until there is nothing left. I'm sorry Nintendo, I need more than your few great franchises to keep me interested. The NX will be the first Nintendo product I will not be buying at launch, unless they have something that will knock my socks off. Maybe, just maybe if they can get start getting great third parties to come back, especially if they announce at E3, that the FF VII remake will be on the NX and confirm at least a couple other major third parties are 100% on board for the NX, then I might change my mind, keep up the tradition of securing a new Nintendo console on day 1.

Nintendo must/has to take whatever measures, which are needed to entice third parties back to Nintendo's consoles & handheld. Even if Nintendo has to say, you can put your games on our consoles for free, we will not take a cut of the money until each game sells a certain amount of units, and that number is something Nintendo and third parties will agree upon. If Nintendo has to get down on it's hands and knees and suck a third party dick, kiss third party ass, or whatever it takes to get them to develop games for the NX, again.........,

Nintendo has to do whatever it takes!!! This is it, it is either do or die, its the 4th quarter, two minute warning and there is no time outs, no more second chances left. Right now, the stadium is empty, only the sounds of a quiet wind blowing a few tumbleweeds around. If Nintendo wants the sounds of a cheering crowd, sounds of victory, they better get busy acquiring a huge portfolio of third parties, plus a huge portfolio of AAA first party games, which are familiar, but also new, which innovaties and titillate's the gamer's senses.

That is all. The End.

Posted by 
 on: 04/03/16, 19:15:46
Yeah, how is this an April Fools thing? I felt a lot of it pretty darn accurate..

Posted by 
 on: 04/07/16, 01:57:55

That reminds me, I should check if I've gotten my daily hearts...

Posted by 
 on: 04/07/16, 04:48:26
To be fair, Miitomo is really geared towards those who don't play with any of Nintendo's consoles/handhelds. Its more or less an opening for non nintendo players to discover Nintendo, or at least that is what many gaming sites, their podcasts, ect. are saying about the app. and future apps to come. Hoping that those people will want a Nintendo console/handheld.

Since I don't and will not ever own a smart phone or tablet like device, I guess I'll never have to worry about messing around with em.

Posted by 
 on: 04/08/16, 13:41:17
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